Random Thoughts

Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile, and it will be believable. My smile will say, "I'm fine, thank you. Yes, I feel much better." I will no longer be the sad guy. I will start fresh, be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it, pretend like it would all be okay. I had a plan, I wanted to change who I was, create a life with someone new. Without the past, without the pain. Someone alive. But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them, as much as you want to. All you can do is be ready for the good, so when it comes, you invite it in. Because you need it. I need it. Today I convinced myself it was okay to give up. Don't take risks. Stick with the status quo. No drama. Now is just not the time. But, my reasons aren't reasons, they're excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth and truth is that, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself to be happy for even one moment that, the world's just going to come crashing down, and I don't know if I can survive that.
Dear Blog, I know its been a while. A long while. I haven't needed or I haven't wanted to write this stuff down, but I don't want to say it out loud either. The thing is I'm a loser, and I hate it. I feel hopeless, depressed, angry. But most of all, I'm scared. Part of me just wants to end it, but then I think of people around me and find that I'm very lucky. So I need to find a way through this. No matter what it takes.

The above lines are modified version of script from The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Episode 1. These T.V. shows sometime contain very emotional and touching script. These lines were played along with The Fray’s song “Never say Never” making it one of best episode.